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31 March 2013

My soon to be sister in law shared a video with me yesterday that was absolutely mind blowing, so I figured since it applies so well to my life now and is just all kinds of ridiculous I figured I'd share it with you. I'll put the link to the video at the bottom of this post but for those of you who can't watch or are simply too lazy, here is the gist:

We've all heard of a photogenic memory, people who have the ability to see something and instantaneously remember it (what we all wished we had while in school). Read a book once and remember it forever? Yes please. Well apparently there are other super powers that people can possess and one of them is called a phonogenic memory. Same concept as photogenic but instead of SEEING something and remembering it they are able to HEAR it and remember. Un-freaking-believable if you ask me. So a woman on Oprah, Priscilla Dunstan, discovered she had a phonogenic memory very early on in life. At around four years old she was able to listen to her mother play a song on the piano and be able to play it back immediately note for note. When she was a little older she discovered she would never need to take notes in school, anything the teacher had said she would be able to remember. Well now this is the part in the video where I'm sitting there saying fuck my life. The girl's a freakin prodigy and somehow won the genetics lottery. As I'm about to stop the video simply due to sheer jealousy, the woman explains she had discovered how to put this talent to good use. Intrigued, I listened on. Later in life the woman had a son and figured out he had 5 different pre-cries, the cries JUST before a cry becomes hysterical, and each of these cries signified a different desire. She discovered distinct "I'm hungry","I'm sleepy", "I'm uncomfortable", "I need to burp", and "I have gas" cries.

Ok, lady, good for you. Congratulations on being awesome. But wait. She soon discovers that these 5 cries aren't just her son's method of explaining what he needs but that, in fact, it is a universal baby language. Yes, you heard correctly. She cracks the "baby language", as she refers to it, code. Shut the front door. Seriously? Sign my ass up. So she goes through each of the cries, how they sound and how to distinguish between and them. She had tried them with hundreds and hundreds of different babies of different races and cultures and it works EVERY TIME.

So now I'm sitting here dumbfounded and decide to put them to the test. The first cry my daughter did sounded like the "I have gas" cry...I shit you not (pun DEFINITELY intended) she rips serious ass no more than 2 minutes later (and yes, I will have a post all about this coming soon, no but seriously). Maybe an hour or so later she did the "I need to burp" cry, so like a good little student I did and I was told and sure enough, she burps. I swear I was almost shedding tears of joy. If you have the time, DEFINITELY watch this video, it's a bit long (17 mins if I remember correctly) but totally worth it. And for all you moms out there, Yeah, you're welcome. Don't forget to comment and subscribe!

Ode to a Nikon

29 March 2013

So my camera and I have a relationship I'm almost uncomfortable with admitting. My Christmas gift to myself was a Nikon dslr camera and we have been inseparable ever since. And to be honest I'd probably take that damn thing everywhere if it were even minutely more portable. And Nikon can kiss my ass if they think I'm wearing that thing around my neck. I don't know how legitimate photographers do it...especially with bigger heavier lenses. 10 minutes of carrying that thing around my neck I'd end up a damn hunchback.

Anyway...I digress. My camera is fan-fucking-tastic. I have ZERO experience with photography unless you count the 30272926 pictures I have taken on my phone. But with this camera I feel like a photography wizard. Yes, wizard. This camera makes even the most novice of photographers look like they have a semblance of a clue on how to work a camera. I've always had a desire to learn photography but like everyone else I'm too lazy to ACTUALLY do anything about it. So I've been using it left and right. Please see below:

This is Gypsy. She's extremely photogenic. It's bananas. Her eyes pierce your soul.

This is Sadee. She's my purebred golden. She's also purebred ridiculous. Not very bright but the sweetest most loving puppy on earth.

I'm still learning but not too shabby for someone with zero DSLR experience. If you have questions don't hesitate to comment and ask, I promise not to be a snarky SOB :)

Batteries Not Included

28 March 2013

So now we're all caught up. My bug turns A MONTH OLD tomorrow? How the hell did that happen? I swear it was just yesterday I was at the hospital yelling at my blood pressure cuff and now here I am a mommy of almost a month.

So the boyfriend and I have still been putting things together and setting stuff up for the baby and my god is it annoying. I have to say, the last time I used batteries for anything other than a remote was years ago. But baby shit requires 1794862 batteries. Why?! Why does every damn baby item we own require batteries? Even my breast pump that I'm so in love with, how many batteries you ask? 6 batteries. SIX. Is that a fucking joke? I'm trying to pump a little milk out of my ladies and apparently I need to harness energy equivalent to that of power plant.

And not only that... Half the stuff requires those giant ass batteries. And they are NOT cheap by any means. I should have invested stock in energizer damn it. And the more I think about it the more I realize I will not be living a battery free life any time soon. Shortly she'll be playing with all those blinking, noisy, migraine inducing toys that all require batteries. None of which are ever included. Cool. This is a revelation I'm not happy to have made. Oh well. Rant over... Well for now.

Birth Story

25 March 2013

If you have been following my posts at all...I've talked up my birth story to the point where I'm sure you're expecting that I gave birth in one of the most epic ways possible. In a taxi cab on the way to the hospital? Nope. In some strange foreign country? No way. And while part of me secretly hoped my story would be one for the totally wasn't. But I promise I will make it worth the wait. So here I go.I was hands down the most miserable pregnant person on the face of the seriously. I wasn't "glowing" in fact I was the emotional equivalent of the Grinch (ya know...pre- heart growing two sizes). I waddled like I had a 2ft stick up my ass, I was so physically drained I was practically falling asleep sitting up. I was a freaking trainwreck. So as I neared my due date I gradually became increasingly more hopeful. Every morning I'd wake up thinking "Hey, maybe today's the day!" And then went to bed angry, frustrated, and babyless. A week prior to my due date, while still enthusiastic with hope, I was hitting the lowest of lows. Tuesday I started feeling extremely mild contractions and this is when it all began.

The next day I stayed home from work as that evening my contractions had gained strength. Nothing hospital worthy but still fairly painful. Eventually throughout the day they gained strength and got close enough together for me to think I may actually be in labor. As I had mentioned in my previous post, I had been to the hospital and was told my cervix was too high to get a reading on my progress, so when I finally went to the hospital and they told me I was 3 centimeters I was elated. However, 3 cm is not enough progress to be admitted, so back home went the angry pregnant lady. I was in early labor and contracted for 3 days straight. Strong contractions that got as close as 5 minutes apart and then fell back to 10. On and off for 3 fucking days. I had zero sleep and was a ticking time bomb. I had every intention to get on my knees and beg my midwife at my appointment on the third day to let me into the hospital and somehow help me. Between the pain and the lack of sleep I was so far off my rocker it was ridiculous.

At my appointment, I went in babbling incoherently and bawling, my midwife could tell I was a goner, she did another cervical check and I'll never forget this moment my whole life, she looks at me, smiles (which mind you, was totally weird when you consider where her hand was at the time) and says "guess who's 5 centimeters?". My tears of anguish turned instantly to tears of joy. I knew I was going to be admitted.

Off to the hospital we went. When I finally got into labor and delivery I was asked to drop trou and get into that fancy robe. AS I go to sit on the bed, my water breaks and so it began. I was basically screaming for an epidural at that point, I MAY have been able to go natural but at that point I had been in labor for 3 days and I was done. The epidural was literally a god send. I was FINALLY able to relax and even sleep a little. After being at the hospital for about 2 hours and having met what felt like the entire hospital staff I started feeling different. I looked to my nurse and said that I felt like I was hurting again and I actually felt like i wanted to push. She laughed and said she would send someone in quickly to check me and to give me a higher dosage of medicine. Being a first time mother it was expected that i would have the baby sometime in the late evening and it was only around 6:40 The midwife who was on call at the hospital was in delivery at the time with another woman so they had another doctor come in to check me. I'd also like to mention that this whole time my boyfriend was shitting his pants excited so the fact that I managed to not punch him in the face amidst all this commotion was a miracle in and of itself...but I digress.

The doctor came in to check me and tells me I'm rimming (9.5 cm). The nurse couldn't believe it. Everything from there pretty much felt like a blur. I began to push with every contraction. Finally she was crowning and my midwife was nowhere to be seen. My room of 4 people quickly turned into a room of 10-12 people. Let me tell you, giving birth truly makes you not give a single fuck. I had no less than 8 people staring at my whoo-ha at any given point, it really changes your perspective on everything. I progressed so quickly I ended up having a doctor I had never met before deliver my baby. Which, given the circumstances, didn't really matter at all. Once the doctor was scrubbed up she barely made it over to me before I was pushing out my little girl. It was the most surreal experience ever. She was the most beautiful little peanut I had ever laid eyes on, and I was instantly in love with her, yes, cliche I know, but I just wanted to kiss the ever living crap out of her.

One of the few things that DID however stick out to me during this whole ordeal was the fucking BLOOD PRESSURE CUFF. Now I'm not a small person by an means, but I've never really had a problem with BP cuffs before. Generally, the doctor would just get the a bigger cuff and call it a day. This cuff had a vendetta against me. They had an automatic one monitoring my BP every few minutes, and it was malfunctioning. Those buggers generally dont hurt until the last squeeze or so...but Motherf***er would get all the way to practically popping, malfunction, and then CONTINUE SQUEEZING. I was in the middle of pushing my little peanut out and I remember hearing the blood pressure cuff start to pump up again and in the middle of pushing I remember just screaming "Get this fucking cuff off me!!!". My boyfriend saw that I was losing my damn mind over it and even though he wasn't supposed to he ripped it off me. After further examination of my arm later on, the thing had literally broken a TON of blood capillaries on my arm and gave me a bruise almost the size of my fist. It was sad to tell everyone that my delivery wasn't really that bad but the blood pressure cuff was what took my ass out...nice. Remember how I said I would make this post worth the wait? Well here it is. THIS my dear readers, is my little bug:

Born March 1, 2013 at 7:10 PM. 7lbs 10oz of pure fiestiness...just like her momma.

What They Don't Tell You About L&D (2)

24 March 2013

It's weird how I've become so accustomed writing here.. And not gunna lie I totally freaking love it. So to continue my last post...

About a week prior my due date I was feeling like I had been run over by a damn train so off to the hospital I went. My midwife followed the standard procedure of checking every possible issue, which as annoying as it was, was extremely reassuring. Finally the moment came, it was time to check my cervix (lovely). But when you're all kinds of pregnant the thought of finding out how dilated you are and potentially how close you are to having your baby, it's the greatest thought in the world. So of course she suits up and dives in to what feels like her damn shoulder(I apologize about the visual).... and then nothing. Finally after a few minutes and a few profanities and tears on my part later, she looks to me and says the one thing you NEVER want to hear at 39 weeks pregnant, "your cervix is too high". My cervix is too WHAT NOW? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T REACH IT?!? I thought I was gunna lose my damn mind. Due in a week and you can't even tell me if I'm dilated or not? So naturally I thought what any person would at that point.... I was destined to be pregnant forever. Some women find out at 36 weeks that they're a centimeter or two dilated and here I am with a cervix that is apparently located in my throat. Fan-freaking-tastic. So what now? Am I supposed to go home and do jumping jacks? Frustration was seriously overwhelming me at this point.

The moral of the story, my friends? A week later I was holding my little one. Patience may very well be a virtue but my god is it hard to be patient while pregnant, especially that close to go time. It's important to note also that you can sit on 3 cm for WEEKS without having your baby or go from not dilated to having your baby hours later. The only thing you can do at that point is try your best to maintain your sanity and be patiient.

Another extremely common misconception is the stereotypical idea of how our water breaks. Every movie we watch it shows a woman having her water break in the middle of the night or while she's out during the day. What many people don't know is that, in fact, is fairly uncommon. Oftentimes a water is broken by the doctor during labor. My water broke at the hospital literally AS I got into the bed. In typical Kerin fashion. Leave it to me to inconvenience anyone and everyone and it doesn't stop there so be prepared for my birth story to come shortly.

What They Don't Tell You About L&D

23 March 2013

Ahhhhhh see now here is where it starts to get interesting... And I promise to not scare the ever living shit out of you with gory details.

Every woman, every labor and delivery, and every baby are different. Some women have these awful terrible war/birth stories while others who must have done something right in life have practically painless births. And while we all hope and pray to the delivery gods that that we will be one of the lucky ones, ANYTHING can happen. Some women are so dead set on having everything happen a certain way and while that's great and all you really should have only two things in mind. The health of your baby and you. And trust me, if you over think everything (as I always do) it will just make everything exponentially worse.

Which brings me to the birth plan. Anywhere and everywhere you look they tell you to have a birth plan. Basically it's a list of prego demands and can include anything from the ambiance of the room (lights, music, TV), to who you want at the birth, to the method of birth, to medications and interventions during and after birth. And while I normally never condone preparedness and lists (cause sweet Jesus I love me some lists) it can be a complete waste of time. If you walk into the hospital dead set on how you want to have that baby you are likely to be disappointed. And while it's not impossible to have everything go exactly as you have planned, you really have to consider all your options and KNOW that anything can happen. I am a prime example of this but I will share my birth story another time (be prepared for that one, folks). I will, however give you an example. I went from 0 to liftoff in what felt like the worlds shortest period of time. The nurses had basically put me on the backburner because I should not have progressed as quickly as I did especially as a first timer. Long story short, not only did I NOT have the midwife I was in love with because she wasn't on call at the hospital that day, but the midwife that WAS on (my least favorite of the 4 midwives at my office, go figure) wasn't even able to make it to me in time before I delivered. So essentially I had a doctor of whom I had met 30 seconds prior to her delivering my peanut. Like I mentioned. previously number one is the safety and health of your new little one and you... Everything else should really come second.

Let me take a second to give a shout out to contractions. Ya, that's right you evil bastards, I'm talking to you. Some women (apparently women who hit the freaking childbirth lottery) don't really feel contractions, it's rare but can happen. So it's good to know we are not completely destined to suffer through them. But if you're like 99.9999998% of us, prepare for the shitstorm that is contractions. Now I may be a bit biased as my contractions lasted 3 days (no that wasn't a typo , my early labor was 3 goddamn days long) but still. Nothing was comfortable, and it's impossible to sleep through them. So needless to say I was a very pregnant, very angry zombie lady by the third day. No bueno.

Epidural, oh how I love thee, let me count the ways. I was so beyond misinformed about epidurals so let me enlighten you, please. My pain tolerance is sub par at best when I say I felt almost no pain receiving it, I truly mean it. It may be something to consider however that I had been in labor for 3 days prior to that and I was exhausted and in so much pain from the contractions that the epidural was a freakin breeze. I always had assumed that with an epidural you went all limp noodle from the waist down...also not true, my friends. It may depend on your hospital/ anesthesiologist but mine couldn't have been more perfect...I could just barely feel my contractions but still had FULL CONTROL of my legs. That's right, you heard correctly. And for me it was a lifesaver, it allowed me to relax for the first time in 3 damn days. If I wanted to I could have totally gotten up and taken a short stroll after delivering her, not that I'd want to, or that they'd even consider letting me, but I definitely would have been capable of it. And the best part you ask? I could still feel JUST enough so that when it was time to deliver I wasn't guessing whether or not I was pushing. One side effect I did have from it, which doesn't happen to everyone is itchiness. As annoying as it should have been the feeling of not contracting for me far outweighed the itch.

This post will definitely be continued as I hadn't realized I was blathering on as long as I was, please feel free to stop me if need be or you could just comment and subscribe ;)

What They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy (2)

21 March 2013

To start this post I'd just like to say that I never in my life thought I would be so damn excited about getting a breast pump in the mail... But Halle-fucking-lujah! Today is the day... And I am way too excited. If any of you future mommies intend to breast feed this is the best invention since nursing camis... Trust me.

Anywayyyy... Part two of the "Everything they don't tell you about pregnancy" post.

If you were anything like me you will become a flippin bloodhound... Somehow you obtain this super human ability to smell EVERYTHING. I could smell a chocolate cake baking a mile away and then tell you allll the ingredients it is composed of. It was odd but secretly kinda awesome all at the same time.

You may retain water. It's incredibly common and extremely unsettling. My fingers went from slight and slim (the only part on my body I can really truly say this about) to straight up sausage fingers. And that shit happened practically overnight. Your face, hands, feet, ankles, even wrists (which I found out the hard way) can all swell. Not the most awful side effect...but annoying nonetheless.

You may also get Braxton hicks contractions... And those bad boys are NO fun. Not all women get them and they can also vary greatly in degree of severity but for the most part they are extremely tolerable (especially when compared to that of labor contractions). Frustrating as they may be they're your body's way of preparing for labor.

Fatigue, if you're anything like me will become your mortal enemy. It was hard enough to pick my sorry ass up to go to work each day. But to then have to go sit at my desk fighting the urge to fall asleep sitting up was just downright impossible (I'm sure the soft jazz/elevator music playing all day was no help either) but my god is it hard to stay awake. It's most common to experience fatigue in the first and third trimesters... But for me, that shit never went away.

I decided to save the best for last. The one thing that saved my sanity the entire pregnancy... Feeling your little one kick. I had read SO many descriptions for what it may feel like when they kick and to be honest only one was spot on. One person had said something about it feeling like butterflies.... Eh.. No not really. Not for me at least. And another said it felt like popcorn popping in your belly. Um what the fuck? No. The best description for my little bugs kicks was a small muscle spasm. Weird ,yes, but when you finally feel it it's so spot on. My bug was a mover. Like a gymnast on speed and always at the most inconvenient times. "Oh you're about to go to sleep? DANCE PARTY!" Fan-fucking-tastic.

I may add more to this but for now this mama needs to get her butt to bed.

What They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy

20 March 2013

I found out I was pregnant on the Fourth of July. Ironic right? Independence Day... Haha real funny, universe. And to answer your question we (my boyfriend and I) were NOT planning on having a baby. But it seems as though this little girl (my bug, as I like to call her) came into our lives for a reason. The moment I found out was instant mortification. The phrase "holy shit you're gunna be a mom" ran through my mind 48262892 times that day. When it was finally confirmed that I was in fact prego, my life seemed to do a 360. But I will get to all that a little later. This post is dedicated to telling you ALLLLL the things that they DIDN'T tell me about pregnancy and try to separate myth from truth. So here we go.
First off, whoever said women get this "pregnancy glow" is full of shit. She is not glowing, she's sweating her ass off from carrying around 30+ extra lbs. And speaking of the standard "30 lb" weight gain... It's also a bunch of bullshit. Some women gain little to no weight while others (such as myself) gain the weight equivalent to carrying a toddler. We're all different.
You don't always have weird cravings in fact mine were never really weird at all, my cravings were basically the cravings I had pre-pregnancy but exacerbated. So my undying love of anything cheese just went through the roof and my desire to eat Taco Bell was borderline inhuman. But I never busted out at pickle and peanut butter sandwich or any of that crazy shit even once.
I have always taken pride in my unusually awesome bladder control. Weird, I know. But it was always extremely gratifying to know that I didn't have to stop what I was doing all the time to pee. I was good for maybe once every 3-4 hours or so. But with pregnancy that went right out the window. Not so much in the beginning but once that baby weighs more than a grapefruit you really start to lose it. AND to boot there's something you should also know about. And while I don't want to scare anyone out of having children, it's always a good idea to stay informed... There is something we pregos like to call snissing. Sounds pleasant right? Totally. It is pissing when you sneeze...and when it happens the first time it is deeply disheartening. So if it happens to you don't be discouraged because you surely aren't the only one.
You won't necessarily have morning sickness. I was very fortunate to never deal with this even once throughout my pregnancy. But also be aware that there are women who have all-the-time sickness... As in.. it doesn't stop in the morning ... Or after the first trimester.
To add a little something positive to this post... After being pregnant for what feels like a fucking decade you seriously learn to not take ANYTHING for granted. I missed so many of the little things like being able to sit down and stand up like a normal human being, or getting out of bed without looking and feeling like a beached whale, or even just sleeping on my belly. The moment you are able to do even the littlest things after being pregnant you will enjoy them that much more.
Ill definitely be sure to add more to this in another post, as there is no end to the wisdom I have to share with you but for now I must go off to bed in order to be up in an hour or so to feed the bug. Fantastic.

About Me

The names Kerin. Twenty-three years young, only child, amateur & hopeful photographer, and as of two and a half weeks ago MOMMA. Everyone always talks about how gratifying and fantastical and all that other bullshit about becoming a parent is, and the truth is...IT IS. This adorable little booger already has me wrapped around her teeny-tiny itty bitty dagger-nailed finger. She can seriously do no wrong, which is a mortifying thought. In fact, in the past two and a half weeks she's coughed, sneezed, pooped, & peed on me AND burped DIRECTLY into my mouth at least a half dozen times and yet somehow I still can't get enough of her. She was my inspiration for starting this blog.

So Confessions of a Serial Napper will be part mommy misadventures, part photography, and part words of wisdom that I shall impart to you (you're welcome). 

A little about me...

I love to cook...well...I love to eat even though my palate really hasn't expanded much since kindergarden. I'm brutally honest, always. I have a slight giraffe obsession, I just recently bought a ridiculously expensive camera which I'm still learning to use (prepare for regular photo-bombs).  I swear way too often. I read, A LOT. And if you didn't really catch it from the title of this blog, I'm a napper, always have been, always will be, and not just your standard, everyday "cat" napper, no sir. If I nap you can GUARANTEE it'll be longer than two hours, in fact, I'm infamous for it. I'm a little unruly at times borderline crazy even, but I'm excited to finally start on this blogger journey, so join me will you?